Since I have been blessed with this beautiful new neighborhood, both with a lake and surrounded by lakes, I have been walking more just to absorb the aesthetics. Soon I realized that this would be an excellent way to ‘sneak’ in some exercise as well.
When I first began walking and was still brand new to the area, I would see someone else walking, usually male, and it would trigger flashbacks of the rapes. Needless to say the walks were not relaxing and were actually more fearful and tense but I loved the area and was determined to glean some of it’s peace.
The more I walked, the more people I noticed were out walking, bike riding, roller-blading, etc. This was unique for me. I have not lived in a neighborhood where so many people felt safe enough to be enjoying the outdoors since I was twelve. Slowly I began to feel a sense of safety and still the rape flashbacks would get triggered by seeing or hearing something.
The images are still very bothersome and I remain frustrated as to why I cannot walk without getting triggered. This morning as I was walking and talking to the Lord, I noticed a man with a dog about a hundred yards ahead and coming my direction. Instantly I am triggered. In my mind I turn around to fight, only this time, the man trembles with fear and runs. Then I see it, a mighty angel of the Lord, sword drawn, stands between us.
All at once my mind, my body, and my soul feel at peace. No longer do I need to redeem those horrible nights. Now when my mind strays and threatens to sabotage a pleasant walk, I have a God-given image that He has my back.
The horse is prepared for the day of battle,
But victory belongs to the LORD. ~Prov 21:31 NASB
No, I cannot answer the age old question of why God didn’t prevent the attack in the first place. The great Biblical scholars of our time remain stumped as to why bad things happen to good people. Each has their theory, for me it comes down to faith, faith that when God allows some things, and doesn’t allow others, He is working all things according to HIS purpose and He promises that His purpose is good. I don’t have to understand, I only have to trust.