Perhaps too much time alone is too much time alone.
WARNING: I offer a warning to whoever may be triggered by, judgemental of, or find too much information in my authenticity. Please do not read this entry. Again I am choosing to tell my story so that others who walk the same road, alone or in the dark, may find understanding, validation, and hope.
In giving language to my experience, I hope I can make rape less ‘unspeakable.’ I hope to dispel at least some part of the fear and shame that has made victims mute. Nancy Raine, After Silence: Rape and My Journey Back, 1998
With little outside contact and limited things to do because of weakness from the illness, my mind goes wandering like the creatures I watch outside my window. It thumps and bumps into dark places. I am quickly reminded that fighting it only gives it more power. I allow the feelings that are starting to emerge. The feelings that I HATE what happened to me. The feelings of deep pain, fear, and sorrow.
I feel all alone sitting here listening to music and knowing that no one I can talk to really gets this. All this pain and all this emotion held captive inside within my mind. I want to scream from the top of my lungs, “I was raped and it SUCKS!!” And it would not be appropriate. I want to scream that I am hurting, and I know for awhile it is just going to hurt. Only fellow survivor’s can truly know how much, and still I want to scream.
Physical injuries people understand. They can visualize your pain. There is understanding that a wound that bleeds, hurts. What of a heart, a soul, that bleeds? Most often it bleeds unnoticed, in silence. I grab a knife. There is blood. Once again inside pain is outside. Once again blood flows from a body that holds too many secrets, tries to imprison too much pain.
One lie and six stitches later, this wound is also hidden to do it’s healing in the dark. The next day I am reminded by my doctor, as I have often been reminded by my therapist, that the truth is this physical wound, like my emotional wounds, will heal best if given to the light and to air. Covering them only helps in the immediate.
And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness. ~Gen 1:4 NKJV
that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; 1Peter 2:9b NKJV
Next time I will call for help, even if I don’t think they will understand. More importantly I will run to my Redeemer, run into His marvelous light; out of darkness, out of shame.