I’m sorry to say so
but,sadly, it’s true
can happen to you…
…You’ll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you’ll be in a Slump.
And when you’re in a slump,
you’re not in for much fun.
is not easily done. ~Dr Seuss
Falling. I’ve got that one down pat. And yes, pride preceded it.
Thursday was a particularly tough day. I had an [almost] unavoidable gynecological appointment, the first with a male doctor since the rape. I did ask the nurse to stay for hand holding, and that didn’t stop the tears. It did reproduce all sorts of shame, to the point that I could not look at him afterwards. He told me to think of him as gender neutral.(?) He said we had been doing this together for almost 25 years. He said sorrowfully, “Oh, so I was your tenth choice.” He apologized for inquiring about the wounds on my feet. I told him that it was okay, I am trying to learn to talk about it more. Then he swallowed his shoe and said, “Yeah, you need to get over it at some point and move on.” Really. He did. A gynecologist that has been treating women for 30 years, there is no way I am his first rape victim. Apparently none prior have educated him.
After my appointment I returned to my home, another first. In the hussel and bussel and boxes there was no room for intruding thoughts. All seemed positive. A little time at work and then off to support group.
The leader asked me how I was doing. I told her surprisingly well all things considered. They played Enya during the opening exercise. Dissociation. TEARS!!! That music can be so depressing. I excused myself but was quickly followed by a facilitator. I regained composure, she turned off the music, and then it was my turn to talk. I could barely catch a breath between sobs. The day had looked so good on paper. Too many triggers heaped into such a short time and my pride not only fell, it crash-landed.
Following a day (or days) of pain and/or flashbacks I get in a slump of “I just don’t care.” Fortunately I have learned over time that when I hear these words in my head, to know this means trouble and that I have taken a slide toward depression. Instead of living in it now, when I recognize it, I know it is time to refocus, adjust, and practice all the tools I have been taught for coping. Distracting, relaxing, walking, and socializing, all work well but my favorite coping skill is Praising God.
You’ll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.
With the banner flip-flapping
once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky. ~Dr Seuss