Why are you downcast, O my soul?
WHY so distressed within me?
I choose to put my hope in You, God, for I will yet praise You, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember You!
~ Psalm 42:5-6 ~ Beth Moore, Praying God’s Word
For the last week I have again been haunted by darkness. It is like walking along a beautiful street, smelling the fresh air, admiring the flowering trees and the gorgeous blue sky, then wham!, the next step lands in a pothole. Sometimes it is easy to step right back out, shake off the hurt, and continue walking. Other potholes are deeper and may take a day to climb back out of, the pain a little more intense. Still others are so deep that all the efforts to climb out are fruitless, the wall is too high and the mud at the bottom restrains like quicksand.
Last week was the six month anniversary of my rapes. It was also my birthday. I love birthdays. I love Christmas. I believed the joy of the season would be enough to carry me through. The day was beautiful, my friends extremely loving. Dinner was at an amazing restaurant where we sat at the finely dressed center table under a magnificent crystal chandelier. God sent me many unexpected messages from strangers that told me I mattered. The sight of the table alone brought tears to my eyes as I heard God say, “You are worth it.” Healing had happened on a day that was fearfully anticipated.
Two days later the sun went out and with the darkness came confusion. Yesterday I interviewed with a counselor about joining his sexual assault support group. He reminded me about PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and it’s symptoms, the predictability of which is it’s unpredictability. Sometimes the trigger is obvious and sometimes it is unknown. Then he said words I desperately needed to hear, “Healing from a vicious assault is a full time job.” He gave me permission to grieve, to be sad. Once again I had gotten caught up in “shoulding” on myself. Once again I was reminded it is okay to be human.
Take Heart!Men and women of the faith, far more godly and effective than I will ever be, also fought depression: Martin Luther and Charles Spurgeon are just two. Remember, the defeat is not in fighting depression…but in giving in. ~ Beth Moore, Praying God’s Word