Tempting Fate

Others have impressed many restrictions on my freedom since I moved back into my home. I am supposed to have an escort when coming or going from my house, especially at night. I need to call and report in to whoever I left when I am in house with alarm set. I am not supposed to do laundry at my house because my washer and dryer are outside. It would be unheard of to sit on my front porch and read like I used to love. I know people are doing it out of love and concern for my safety, not wanting a repeat of the assaults. The problem is I am well over forty, not fourteen. Combine their often voiced fears with my own hyper-vigilance and I am constantly looking over my shoulder, re-checking doors and alarms, and keeping my ears perked for any strange noises.

Saturday, my anger at the man that created this situation was peaking again. I did my laundry at my own house and often left the door open just tempting him to come in. I was ready to rip this man from stem to stern, finally being able to get all my anger out and on the appropriate person. My thought was that it would also help with getting over my fear and resolve the question of “what if” I had fought back before. This time however, I would have extreme anger, the “I don’t care” attitude, and the feeling that no one is ever going to do that to me again.

Obviously I made it through the day just fine. Yes, I realized stupidity was not going to solve anything; acting fourteen was not the answer. I wish I had the answers to ending the pain and the rage that keeps popping up; the memories, and the nightmares when I try to sleep. Counseling has certainly helped, as well as support group and talking with the friends that remain, and the new friends I have made.

My greatest strength though, I know has come from the Lord when I give Him a chance. I know I get myself in more trouble when I take my focus off Him and put it back on me. I just get so tired of living in fear, frustrated with the ever rising anger, and losing patience with myself in the length of time it is taking me to heal, as if I were the one in control. As the tears now stream down I can hear Him say:

 Be Still and KNOW that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10a

And in the midst of the storm and the fear, if I will seek Him, He offers Peace, again asking me to just be still:

Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace, be still!” And the wind ceased and there was a great calm. ~Mark 4:39 NKJV

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