When I look into the mirror,
I don’t [yet] see a survivor,
I see a damaged broken woman.
Instead of seeing courage and tenacity,
that I pulled from deep inside,
I see a failure.
This, I am finally starting to see,
is my choice…and it must end.
~The Truth About Rape, Teresa
Fear. Depression. Anxiety. Disconnection. Shame. Guilt. There are so many reasons that a victim sees only damaged goods when she looks into a mirror. In my life, I had so absorbed the lies I was hearing in my head that I had essentially quit living.
In my support group we were handed a sheet with three questions to fill out. “Who am I now?” and “Who do I want to become?” were two of them. The answers were so painful that I dissociated and doodled until I was taken out of the room by a facilitator. I felt worthless, without a purpose, and going nowhere. The direction of my life took a drastic turn last June 13th, and has run closer and closer to the cliff edge ever since. I gave up my dreams, my goals, my education, and much of my human connection. There were hours spent aimless and lifeless, staring at walls, mindless television, or simply lying in bed waiting for time to pass.
During the Princess Lost training I experienced much healing through receiving more knowledge and understanding of what abuse does to a person’s soul. Hearing the stories of these lost young ones thawed my heart toward myself as my compassion for them was ignited. My desire to reach out and to minister to them brought back my sense of purpose.
Though very painful, God’s omniscient plan added to my story, to my ability to understand and empathize; added more passion to my mission to use my voice to speak up for those who cannot speak up for themselves. Satan has tried desperately to silence this voice because he knows it is fed by the Almighty God, through the Spirit and through His strength, I have the power to speak encouragement and healing into others’ lives.
Yes, I have a purpose. I have life. I have a Father who loves me, and who loves those He wants me to speak to and speak up for. My abusers may have broken my body and even my spirit, and in Christ there is healing. He is the only One who can take the shattered pieces and make me whole again. I am not broken beyond repair.