Rape Not Believed

I have not written here for awhile because I received a wounding from a dear dear friend that hurt so intensely I could not even speak for a few days. This woman came into my life eight years ago and the bonding grew deep, which I suppose is the only way the wounding could be so deep that it tore my heart. My sister had died a few years earlier and I believe God sent this friend to me to ‘replace the years the locusts had stolen’, to be a Christian sister and mentor in her place. This should help explain the way our hearts were connected and why her shocking words ripped me apart.

I felt so intimate with this friend that when I was raped I asked her to hold my hand and my heart during the very personal and humiliating rape kit exam. Unfortunately that has become a decision I will always regret, and perhaps one that added to this pain. Within two weeks of that horrible night, she informed me that my behaviors were confusing for her (why would I shower?, why didn’t I call the police right away? etc.) and she did not believe I was raped. I could not believe what I was hearing. We had a tearful discussion and painfully parted.

Several times after that I tried to get her to talk to me about it. The answer was always the same. This isn’t the time or the place. For several months I was getting mixed messages from her, she had compassion for me but. Finally when we were finishing a training together, I wept and pleaded with her to talk to me about it. Again a very confusing and mixed message about me going through the worst possible thing and…this isn’t the time or the place.  Then she walked out of my life, even leaving the grief support group we facilitated together.

We finally met after pleading with her again. She said that I know she cannot move forward on anything unless she is one hundred percent convinced of it, so she could validate my pain and she could not validate the rapes. She loved me very much but could not see how we could be friends if she couldn’t validate it. I agreed. After questioning her about the fact that she teaches about (sexual) abuse and healing all over the world and did she expect people to believe her story? Yes. Does she believe the stories of the strangers she meets after each talk? Yes. So it is just me, who you say you love so much, that you cannot believe? Yes. She quoted me a section from a book she loves which states that not believing a survivor and/or abandoning them would be their second death, and said because of this she knew the pain she was causing. And that didn’t stop her?

At the car she reminded me that all things are not good, but that God works all things for the good and she knew He would with his; she told me again that she loved me; and then what I found most odd, she said that I was free to call her anytime I wanted/needed to. I shook my head in disbelief and once in my car I wept from such a deep part of my soul that I could not even talk when I called my fiance for comfort.

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5 Responses to Rape Not Believed

  1. Marie says:

    Wow…how this hurts my heart. You never know…you just never know.

    The fact that you are so open helps so many people and for that, you are a hero in my eyes.

    I’m so sorry for the loss of this friendship, but in all honesty – it’s HER loss, more so than yours.

    You did and are doing the right thing.

    You are an amazing young lady and I’m honored to call you my friend.


  2. Flux says:

    Your sweet words bring tears that soften the pain…thank you so much.

  3. Aerin says:

    I am reminded of something I heard in a Beth Moore bible study. She mentioned that sometimes we really want help from specific people, and it just doesn’t work out the way we want, or need. There are so many different reasons for this… maybe we’re looking to the wrong person… maybe she isn’t capable of helping in the way we need. It is unfortunate, but there are times that we just won’t have someone there who understands and is capable of helping in the way we need. The really cool thing is that God is always there and does understand… in a way no one else can. I know it hurts to lose a friend and my heart breaks for you on this one. I have no doubt that God will send in a new friend as soon as He sees you’re ready… just lean on him while you wait!

    On another note… I find it disturbing that she teaches about sexual assault. I work as an advocate and know that showering and all of the things you described are totally normal. Just after rape, we are in survival mode… and not always thinking so clearly about what is best for a police investigation. Many people wait 2-3 days before breaking down and calling the police… all totally “normal” behavior! My gosh, some people NEVER call and report the crime. You did great and should be very proud of yourself! You are a survivor and an inspiration!

    • Flux says:

      Thank you Aerin, both for your soft and gentle words of encouragement, and also for your words of validation. You know how far that goes with survivors, how soothing a balm those words are.

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