To Be or Not to Be

I sink further in my isolation. I have now crossed to a place where I just want to be alone. If I am alone, I cannot be hurt by the pretending that everything is alright. I can’t be hurt by what goes unsaid. I cannot be hurt by you being afraid to touch me. I cannot be hurt by the happy dancing at this masquerade ball.

How much pain do you hold in, working so hard to shelter me?  Are you afraid you would freeze or feel inadequate should I start to cry?

Is there a point in continuing to live, beyond how my decision will affect you? Can you understand that something incredibly painful happened to me? Can you understand that I don’t have the strength to carry it anymore? Do you understand that I am dancing as fast as I can and I still cannot fix it? That I cannot make it go away and I certainly cannot make it right? Can you let me go? Can you give me the gift that allows me to be at peace? Must I continue on in pain and pretending so that you are spared pain?

My intention is not to hurt you, it really is not. Right now, this is about me.  Taking care of me. My burden is too heavy to also have to take care of you. Can I choose? Can taking care of me mean ending my pain once and for all? The darkness is so oppressive. It is so heavy. It crushes me into the ground.

I know where peace is. Peace is in the arms of Jesus. I want to see Him. I want Him to hold me. I know He will make everything alright when I get to Him. I WANT HIM TO HOLD ME. I want to feel the pain ease away as He holds me close to His heart. I want my Abba to hold me. I want to feel my Abba loves me. I want the battle to be over.


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