The intent of this blog is to record my journey from rape to recovery. I wish I would have started it two months ago when I began to be stalked, was raped twice, and assaulted on his third attempt. The perpetrator is a stranger. I wish I would have recorded all the thoughts and feelings that were spoken and then floated away. I will do my best to work from memory while at the same time moving forward. I imagine I was not ready to write initially and I know I was not ready to share much with many.
I wanted to share in a public way because though I am told that we have come a long way in reporting and accepting rape for what it is, I do not find that to be accurate in real life experience. For me, reporting caused me to be accused of making it up and of injuring myself. I was treated like the criminal with the exception of “innocent until proven guilty.” Acceptance is still marred by pity, repulsion, and shame. The more I read of other women’s stories, the more I see that I am not alone.
I did feel very alone at first and still find times when the loneliness comes in, knowing no one around me really understands the horror of rape or what I am going through. They try, they sympathize, they cry, and they feel helpless.
The stigma around rape is still strong. I admire the women who can come right out and say, “I was raped.” I still find it difficult to put voice to it and hang my head when I do, as if it were my fault and I have something to be ashamed of. Thus the blog where public meets private. I can reach out and help other women know they are not alone, at the same time maintaining my anonymity while I get stronger.
Though each of our stories are unique, we do share similarities. If you have been raped, I hope you find comfort and release in knowing that someone else has been there and is choosing to survive. My prayer is that you choose to be a survivor also. I know that choice is a difficult one, especially when you get ambushed by flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and oppresive feelings. I, too, have walked close to the edge.
If you have not been raped but love someone who has been, I hope that you will find understanding and comfort here as well, both for yourself and the one you love. I have learned that rape doesn’t happen just to the victim, but to the victim’s family and friends as well.
Thank you to a special family member who created this blog for me to help me along my journey.