Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the rape that I reported, which ended up being a drug out nightmare because of the detectives challenges to me, the ignorance of the medical staff, and the inexperience of the police officers. Today I have much anxiety, on and off nausea, and a difficulty with dissociation. Outside of that, today I know I am going to be okay. As the physical wounds are in the scarring stage, today I can see that the emotional wounds are starting to heal as well. In looking back at all the people who have helped me through this year, I was reminded of the story of “The Velveteen Rabbit” by Margery Williams.
“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?” “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “When someone loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.” “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?” “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. By the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
I have been blessed to have so many good people in my life, which helps heal the extra wounds created since the assault, by people who ‘don’t understand’.
I am also so grateful to the ones who do know and have been around to catch my heart when I would start to fall. I am deeply grateful to all the new friends I have met on Twitter because @VoxAZ set up this blog for me so I could record this journey. Then there came @spreadingJOY who so kindly pulled me into Tworship and introduced me to so many others. She has loved me well ever since. @mcProdigal who has been so encouraging about Tworship and about my story, thank you. @menJesuscalled who invited me in to the Bible studies even when my brain wasn’t in a place to keep up. @thepeacefullone, @AnnyMac2, @XTOLZ @Sharritiner, @mamm5, @DanceJesaire and @myMagen who always remember me with twitter love even when I am not around and am not ‘earning’ it. @MostRadicalMan, @jeff_cox, @@aheartforgod, @springvaleboys and @HeartRenewed who I can always count on for smiles and great praising at Tworship. My newest friend @teri_hatcher73 who has continued to read, encourage and validate me since she found me. You all are such great examples of Christlike behavior, I want to learn from and be, just like you!
And to all the way too numerous to list people in Tworshipland … there are unending thanks to go around for helping to create a safe, uplifting, and worshipful community to come to whether I am up or down, I know you will always be there.
You have all helped make me Real when my world was feeling so unReal. I am so blessed to know you and have you in my life…for such a time as this.
Above all I want to thank Jesus Christ, my Redeemer, who continues to stick by me through this journey, even during the wrestling and the doubting, never loving me any less; who made me Real when He created me in my mother’s womb. Each tear of love that falls as I meditate on Your goodness, carries gratitude that will never be enough for what You have done for me. The best of all is that I don’t have to be ‘good enough’ to deserve Your sacrifice and earn Your love, and I can never be ‘bad enough’ to lose Your love. Thanks for the faithful lessons. I am Yours.