~WARNING~…may be triggering
The flashback. Intense fear. Afraid to allow the memory to surface. Paralyzed to dissociation, extreme nausea, and labored breathing ? My mind tries to protect me and my body still breaks out in physical pain; a biological response to a psychological agony. My soul desperately trying to reveal this secret. The vision lurks in the dark like a black wolf waiting to devour its prey. A terror so intense I do not want to see, yet so vital that I look and speak it in order to heal.
Slowly I allow the memory to enter into my consciousness, again with the mantra, “It is not happening now, I have already survived it.” What is this dreadful, horrifying image? Being laid bare before my attacker while I lay helpless, desperately wanting to escape, and my mind disconnects. Therein lies the urge of Invisibility. This picture holds the key to so many of my PTSD symptoms; it is the driver of shame.
Helpless. A word that has come to be synonymous with disgrace in our society. Several of the people close to me even wondered and asked why I didn’t fight. Terror? The knife? Pre-ingrained neural pathways? Automatic survival response? Disconnection from my body? These are the things my therapist tries to remind me as I beat myself up over the same question. To fight is power, to freeze is weakness. Attempting to live up to this standard promises long and painful suffering.
Chris Bray from vice, seeks to educate with this statement, “Sometimes the chains you can’t see are more powerful than the chains you can.”
All of the reasons above for not trying to escape are true and are also stuck in my head. Concentrating on these facts for comfort and release, I know I would use the same reasons when ministering to a friend. Revelation: I need to be my own friend during this recovery process and stop the self-condemnation. I need to focus on Jesus and His words for healing my soul.
There is therefore now [NO] condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus… 8:1a (NKJV)