I was having an increasingly difficult time in the days between the first rape and the time I finally revealed it to a counselor two weeks after the second rape. Out of extreme fear, I had originally lied to my family, friends, therapist, and even my doctor, telling them that I had injured myself due to anger from past trauma that I had been processing. My guilt was monumental. My anxiety, depression, and self loathing, escalated rapidly during that time, until I was on the brink of suicide.
I felt like I was a worthless failure. I had failed by not locking my door quickly enough. I had failed by being raped. I had failed by not fighting back. I had failed by not reporting. I had failed my family and friends. I had failed God. I was failing at life and it was time to end it.
I sought counsel with a close friend of mine to discuss my other options. She reminded me of Psalm 73:26,
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
I certainly felt I had the first part down, now I needed to accept the second part. It had been putting pressure on myself to be perfect. The Bible was promising me that I would fail, and despite that, the Lord would pick me up. Having it written in the Bible also meant that I was not alone. Human failure is universal. I realize much of what I was experiencing as failure was rooted in distorted thinking. Still, I had failed by lying; I had failed by seeking control and answers of my own strength; I had failed by breaching the trust of those closest to me; I had failed in the committing of sins throughout those days. Now I was seeing God’s truth, accepting His love and forgiveness, receiving His comfort.
I have always loved whenever it is written in the Bible, “But GOD…” It seems to follow something negative where man has fallen short and serves to remind us that we will be weak, but GOD is strong. We will fail, but GOD never will. We will fall short in our love, but GOD never will in His. AMEN!!
